


My Own Battle

by AnnaButterfly16



Series: Bughead OneShots [3]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Desperation, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fear, Fights, Love, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 18:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19115596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaButterfly16/pseuds/AnnaButterfly16
Summary: "I can’t eat, I can’t drink, I can’t do anything without this voice telling me what’s wrong with that."Betty has to fight some inner demons but is pretty determined to do that alone. How does she feel and will it affect her relationship to Jughead?





	My Own Battle

**Author's Note:**

> ##  **Trigger Warning: Mental Health Issues, Eating Disorder**

The mirror; its only purpose is to show us our reflection. Often it does so much more. For some people it is a tool to help and make them more beautiful but for other people it is mocking them. It points out their short legs, their chubby stomach, their flat, almost strawy, hair. All in all in shows their flaws or at least they think it does. But like I said, it shows us only our reflection.

It is all in our heads, my psychologist used to say. We are the ones who point those things out. We are the ones with high expectations to ourselves. We are the ones who make us feel uncomfortable with our bodies.

I heard those words over and over again and regardless of that I stood in front of the mirror day by day disgusted by myself. I mean, it wasn’t even completely true. We notice the looks; we hear the comments or hear the laughter; it is not completely our own fault. People make us feel this way. Sometimes.

My friends and even my boyfriend always say that I am beautiful. I have perfect teeth, long blonde hair, almost golden in the sunlight, an enviable body, big green eyes, everything a girl could wish for. I didn’t believe them. Every time my inner voice called attention to the bad things.

_Perfect teeth? You had to wear braces for a long time._

_Long blonde hair? It grows so slowly that you want to avoid every appointment to get your hair tips cut._

_Enviable body? Every time you even think about chocolate you seem to gain 5 pounds._

_Big green eyes? You like blue more._

The list goes on and on. I didn’t like the person I saw. I wanted to be thin, perfect glowy skin and hair like all the perfect humans in Hollywood. On Instagram, I followed their profiles, could see their perfect life; in a bikini on the beach with a cocktail in their hand and no fat anywhere on their body. 

I sighed and pulled my shirt down to cover my stomach. It got worse every day.

“Betty?”

My mom called me from downstairs.

“I’m in my room”

“Jughead is here. Hurry or else you are coming late to school!”

“I’m almost ready”

I put my jacket and my shoes on before I took my bag and ran downstairs.

My boyfriend already waited at the foot of the stairs with an admiring expression on his tired face.

“You look lovely today, Cooper” He whispered in my ear before he kissed me.

_No way. You look tired, your hair is messy and greasy because you rather spent your morning with looking in the mirror and your makeup is not done too._

I faked a smile and turned around to my mum.

“We go now. Love you!”

“Goodbye, Honey and pay attention in class!”

Typical.

I stayed silent and followed Jughead through the front door. It was chilly outside. The birds sang their songs and the sun shone down on us; bearable but I pulled my thin jacket closer to my body anyway. I breathed in and out deeply and smiled honest for the first time this day. Jug took my hand in his and we started walking to our school. Due to the fact that we went earlier than the others, the streets weren’t crowded and we could enjoy the silence and beauty of mornings in Riverdale.

“We haven’t got much time together lately”

Jughead suddenly started to talk, after five minutes of absolute silence between us.

“Yeah, you’re right but it’s so much homework and presentations, no wonder we do nothing except of sleep and eat and school and repeat.”

_Yep. You’re good at eating. The weighing scale thinks so too by the way._

I shook my head slightly to get rid of it. The dark haired boy didn’t seem to notice her chain of thoughts because he started to laugh.

“This! But what I wanted to ask… how does it sound, if we let the school stuff be school stuff tonight and meet at Pop’s to eat something together.”

“I’d love to!”

_Of course you do. You can eat burgers, fries, maybe drink a milkshake or a coke but do you remember how you looked in the mirror? I guess not._

“Great! Should I pick you up or do you want to meet there?”

_Running could be good for you. You really need it._

I tried to maintain the smile and answered: “I meet you there. 7 pm?”

“Sounds good!”

The rest of the way we talked about everything; our upcoming articles for the “Blue and Gold”, our history presentations and even some childhood memories.

 

\--- 

 

The school day itself wasn’t really exciting, so all the more I looked forward to the dinner with Jughead in the evening. I searched for a nice dress to wear and opened my ponytail. The long waves looked so much better to my short light pink dress and my denim jacket than my usual strict ponytail, which was really practical but not comfortable at all. After I put on some Makeup I was ready to go. I tried to avoid the mirror as best as I could, so I was out of the house without getting insulted but my inner voice more than twice. Slowly I made my way to Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe.

I was able to already see him from a distance. He casually leaned against his motorbike and looked at his phone. I smiled and bit on my bottom lip, really happy to see him.

“Hey! Did you have to wait long?” I asked and he raised his head; a smile creeping on his face as well.

“Maybe a few minutes but it was totally worth the wait.”

He leaned forward and kissed me softly.

“Come, let us go in!”

Jug had our usual table reserved for us. On it was a table cloth, in a matching red tone to the interior, a burning candle and two milkshakes; Strawberry for him and Vanilla for me.

“Oh my god, Juggie! It’s perfect…”

I smiled at him and kissed his cheek.

“Just the best for you, Betts!”

As soon as we sat down, Pop Tate came with our usual; Burger and fries. I waited the whole day for this. But when I smelled the delicious food I instantly felt sick caused by my inner voice, which already started to count the calories.

“It’s smells incredible, Pop!”

“Thanks Jughead! And now enjoy your date, you both!”

I said nothing but smiled slightly, not wanting anyone to find out how I felt at the moment.

“I’m starving!”

My boyfriend took his burger and bit in it but I just picked in my food, forcing myself to eat something.

“Are you serious?”, Jughead laughed after some time, “That’s half of your burger. You eat like a little girl, Cooper!”

“I’m just not hungry anymore. Not everyone can eat for an entire football team like you!”

I grinned and watched how he shook his head but took the rest of my burger anyway. The sickness got heavier, right along with my bad feeling for not enjoying this evening as much as I should. I could see how happy he was, when I looked at him. His blue eyes sparkled every time he looked up from his burger to meet my eyes; his smile wide when he talked.

I sighed. Why couldn’t I just be normal?

“Excuse me for a moment”

The nausea wasn’t bearable anymore, so I stood up and went with long steps to the bathroom. As soon as I arrived at the door, I pushed it open and literally ran to the toilet bowl. Right in time I kneeled down and threw up. I gasped and sat against the wall, tears stung in my eyes. That wasn’t how I imagined my evening to be.

_The stuff wasn’t good for you anyway. So many calories down the toilet. Be happy!_

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I dug my fingernails deep into the palms of my hands to concentrate on the pain. It was the only thing that really helped to distract me from my thoughts. When I felt the warm blood I stopped and got up. Jug must have been suspicious by now since I needed already more than five minutes. While washing my hands I looked into the big mirror. It had a slight crack in the upper right hand corner but after all this years I was perfectly able to ignore it. I took a deep breath. My eyes were a little red, even ‘tho I did not really cry but I hoped he wouldn’t notice it. In the end I gargled with some water to get this bad taste out of my mouth and prepared myself to get back to our table.

Jughead already waited for me, his face getting more worried, when I sat back in front of him.

“Is everything okay? You look pale.”

“No, everything is fine”

I smiled and tried to casually pull my sweatshirt sleeves over my hands.

“Wait, what was that?”

His eyes got big, when he took my hands to look at them.

“It’s nothing, I…”

The dark haired boy swallowed and looked me directly into the eyes with a hurt expression.

“You said you wouldn’t do that anymore…” he whispered.

I pulled my hands away again und hid them in my pockets.

“Why are you doing this?”

It got quiet and nobody of us dared to breathe.

“These are old, I stopped it.”

Definitely a lie and he knew it but I couldn’t help myself. All in all it was my problem; I had to live with it and not him. I didn’t want to be a burden because I was pretty sure that he wanted help, as soon as he knew about everything.

“They are still bleeding, Betty. Please, tell me what is wrong.”

“Look, I obviously don’t want to talk about it now, so why can’t you stop it and leave it alone?!” I suddenly snapped at him and I was surprised by myself and really not in a good way.

He looked taken aback for a moment, needing time to recover himself.

“I just want to help you”

“I don’t want your help, don’t you see? You know what, I need to go home. Good night.”

I plunked some money for my food on the table and almost ran out of the diner without giving him another look. I just wasn’t able to. When I ran around the next corner, many people had seen me and were staring in confusion. Only then I realized that I had been crying the whole time, maybe even since I had this little fight with Jug. I sighed and went home, just wanting to sleep and forget about this day.

 

\---

 

I was at school early the next day. Class wouldn’t start for another hour but I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I sneaked into school to work on the next article for the newspaper, which was almost ready to publish. Everything was quiet in here, except for the singing of the janitor in the hallway, who fixed some broken lockers. But as hard as I tried I really wasn’t able to concentrate. My thoughts always drifted off to yesterday evening; I was so absently that I didn’t hear the footsteps that came closer to the office, stopping right in the doorframe.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here.” Jughead said and scratched sheepishly his head under his beanie.

I looked up startled but it directly proceeded to embarrassment. I didn’t know what I should say, so we stayed there for a few moments in awkward silence.

“Jug? Can we talk, please?” I asked when he wanted to turn around and go.

He turned to me again, looking very surprised but nodded. I watched him taking a seat near me and took a deep breath.

“I’m really sorry about yesterday. I don’t know why I reacted like this, you just wanted to help. It’s probably the whole stress at the moment with school and “The Blue & Gold” and everything but I shouldn’t have let it out on you.”

_More lying, wow. He’s obviously not in a relationship with you because of your good looks but that... Seems like no reason for him to stay._

Luckily he seemed to believe it. His expression softened and he came closer to take me into a tight hug. I sighed in relief and pulled him even closer, inhaled his calming scent and for a moment my inner voice stopped.

“I’m sorry too” Jughead whispered in my ear.

I ended the hug to look at him confused.

“What could you possibly feel sorry for?”

“I shouldn’t have pressured you. It’s your decision what you want to tell me but I was worried about you and maybe I took it too far.”

“Oh no, no, no! You did nothing wrong, I swear. I just wasn’t myself yesterday, believe me.”

He looked me in the eyes and kissed me.

“I love you”

“I love you too”

 

\---

 

I was home alone in the evening. My mum was out of town to interview an important person for her next article, so I sat on the kitchen desk and did my homework. It was quiet in the whole house, so I was startled a bit, when the doorbell suddenly rang.

“I’m coming!” I shouted and got up, still not knowing who could possibly be there.

I didn’t expect any visitors and my mom’s friends knew that she wasn’t here for the next two days. When I turned the key in the doorlock and opened it, my boyfriend stood there.

“Hungry?” He grinned and held up a bag with food from Pop’s.

The smell alone let me feel sick again.

“No, I already ate but come in!” I lied and took a step back to open the door more.

Jug went straight to the kitchen and placed the bag on the counter.

 “I wanted to catch up on our dinner recently but if I had called you it wouldn’t have been a surprise”

“It’s okay. But thank you anyway.” I smiled and leaned towards him to get a kiss, which he was more than happy to provide.

“What are you doing?” He asked and looked over to the table.

“Homework. Want to join?”

“Yeah no, I’m good! But what about watching a movie?”

“If you don’t stop doing that I can kiss my good grades goodbye!” I laughed, which meant yes and he knew that because he smiled too and looked directly for a movie in our family collection.

We went with “Rebel Without A Cause” as a tribute to the Drive-In. Okay not only because of that. Jughead had a low key crush on me back then, when he chose my movie suggestion instead of his own or one of the others. It was so sweet, when he told me that a while ago, he even acted a bit shy, which only made it cuter.

So we lay snuggled up to each other on the couch and watched the movie. It was really relaxing to be that close to him, not thinking about anything and just enjoying the moment. Once in a while he caressed my arm or kissed my head, while being completely focused on the movie. It was really nice.

“It was lovely but I should go now. It’s getting late” Jughead said, when the movie credits ran through and he tried to sit up with my head on his lap.

“Or you could stay here… I don’t like sleeping alone in this house anyway, after all the things that happened with Dad.” I sat up too.

He looked thoughtful for a moment. The whole Black Hood story wasn’t that long ago and it was still scary sometimes to be here, where he lived; a complete psycho.

“That’s even better”

I kissed him.

“Let us go to bed. We have to get up early tomorrow!”

 

\---

 

1 am, 2 am, 3 am, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock; the sound of the clock drove me crazy. Everything was dark in my room. Some shadows fell through my window and projected on the opposite wall. I sat up and looked to my side. Jug lay there, breathing evenly with a happy smile on his face. I absently ran my fingers softly through his hair but lightly enough to not wake him up.

It was 3.15 am, I recognized with a look at the clock and I was pretty sure that I couldn’t sleep anymore. Before I turned my lamp on my nightstand on, I reassured myself that Jug was still sleeping. He never felt bothered by my lamp because he literally slept like a stone; a freaking hurricane could rage through this room and he would only moan and turn to the other side. That was totally a Jughead thing to do!

I took my book and opened it. It was an old Sherlock Holmes story that I always wanted to read. Crime stories were the best in my opinion, even before romantic fiction. I read over an hour without noticing. This literary wonder was really, really thrilling. I was so preoccupied that I didn’t realize the chocolate beside me, which I ate unintentionally the whole time. It was like Popcorn and a really exciting movie. The film reaches its climax and you eat and eat your Popcorn without noticing. When I finally realized I starred at the empty package.

_Now it’s too late anyway. But it was yummy, wasn’t it?_

After days without keeping much food in stomach or eating in general it wasn’t only my inner voice, which let me run to the toilet immediately. I didn’t want it, I wanted it to stop but I couldn’t. It was a whole chocolate bar and my body wasn’t happy about that either. Now I sat there crying next to the toilet and suffered alone like I chose to.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Is everything okay in there?” Jughead asked worried.

“Yes, everything’s alright. Go back to bed.” I answered with a raspy voice, not sounding much believable.

“I’m coming in, okay?”

And without waiting for another word he opened the door and looked startled at me. I trembled while I stood up.

“What happened, Betty? Did you cry?”

He touched my arm slightly but I took a step back.

“I said I’m alright!”

“But you clearly don’t! You’re clearly not okay and I don’t understand why you don’t talk to me. Don’t you trust me anymore?”

“I’m sick of you intervening with my business! Last time, you told me that I don’t have to tell you if I don’t want to and now you’re intervening again? Why are you doing this? Why can’t you leave me the fuck alone?”

He swallowed and looked at me without any expression on his face and clenched his teeth.

“Okay. I won’t intervene anymore.”

My eyes got bigger when I realized what I just did. I hurt the one person who stood by my side whenever I needed him too, who cared for me, who just loved me with all my flaws.

“Juggie. Wait.”

He turned around.

“No. You made yourself very clear.”

“Jug, please. Don’t go, please don’t.”

I wanted to run after him but I felt weak. Tears started to roll down my face again, when I suddenly felt dizzy. The edges of my view began to turn black and I tried to hold on to something. It was a wonder that my body kept going that long but now it seemed like it wouldn’t want to play that game anymore. The last thing I noticed was that I fell. My head hit on the ground and everything went dark.

 

\---

 

I slowly opened my eyes. I lied in my bed but I didn’t remember how I came back in there, I remembered little in general. At first my sight was a bit blurry but it went clear very fast so I was able to look around. Jughead stood in front of the window, looking outside and lost in thoughts.

“Jughead?” I asked softly and he instantly turned to me.

“How are you feeling?”

He didn’t smile or seemed happy at all and I couldn’t remember why until the things before my breakdown came back to me. The things I said, how hurt he looked and how he went away.

“I’m okay I think, just a little headache”

“Can I leave you alone then or do you need something else?”

He was still very distant but I couldn’t blame him for that.

“Why are you here anyway? I thought you left…”

“I heard a loud noise, when I went down the stairs and with your mother out of town I thought it would be good to look if everything was okay. And then I saw you lying there, so I carried you to your bed and waited till you woke up.” He explained with a shrug like it was no big deal.

He could have left but he came back after everything I said. I breathed in and out deeply.

“I can’t say you what’s going on…”

He just began to leave but stopped.

“Why?”

That’s all he said. He looked exhausted, maybe because these days hadn’t been easy for us but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what was going on in his life these past days because I was so focused on myself to ask him how he felt, how he was doing. I swallowed, just realizing how self-centered I had acted.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, tears starting to fill my eyes.

He looked confused but didn’t come closer. I had to tell him, he deserved the truth. And he deserved the decision to decide if he wants to be with a broken girl or if he wants to break up instead. But it didn’t work like I wanted it to be because my emotions ran wild and it just poured out of me.

“I’m disgusting, Jughead” I sobbed and looked him directly in the eyes.

_Now you’re speaking the truth. Go girl!_

“Betty, what…” He looked quite overwhelmed with this whole situation.

 “Every time I look in the mirror I see this person that I don’t like. She’s not the person I want to be and then I have this inner voice who says all those horrible things and I can’t bear it anymore, Jug. I can’t eat, I can’t drink, I can’t do anything without this voice telling me what’s wrong with that. I just can’t, Juggie, I don’t want to.”

I buried my face in my hands and cried. It was embarrassing for me, that he had to see me like this. Without saying another word he came over and took me in his arms. I wasn’t able to calm myself and it definitely didn’t work when he managed to kiss my forehead. All I did in the last days, since it got that worse, was lying to him. He was my boyfriend and he was worried. I just wanted to protect him from my broken self but I just pushed him away while I tried.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you lie?” Jug asked quietly.

“It’s my own battle, Jughead. I don’t want to be a burden for anyone. Besides I was scared. You and the others always say those nice things to me but I can’t believe them. I was scared that you would think I do that for attention. I’m so sorry for lying and acting this way. I was so focused on me and my feelings that I haven’t seen that you suffered too.”

I calmed myself a little bit while speaking and looked sad at the scars in my palms instead of his eyes, still sobbing.

“Betty…” The dark haired boy sighed and I could hear him swallow. It was hard for him too, I knew that.

“I can’t imagine what you’re going through but you can be sure that I will always take your problems seriously. It’s okay to think of yourself, that’s totally fine but I don’t want you to suffer alone, it doesn’t help you. I’m your boyfriend and I want to be there, not only in the good times but especially in the bad ones. I love you, Betty Cooper and I want you to be happy, I hope you know that.

Tears silently ran down my face, when I finally looked at him. He cried too. With his right hand he cupped my cheek and wiped some tears away with his thumb before he kissed me like he wanted me to feel all this love he had for me. When we ended the kiss after a while, my boyfriend looked me deep in the eyes with an honest and determined expression before he said:

“I want to help you and I will. Okay?”

“Okay.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed my OneShot!
> 
> I'm open for criticism, so when you want to say something, I'd be happy to read it!
> 
> Lots of love,  
> AnnaButterfly16


End file.
